And Then There Were Two: The 12 Steps of Checking on Your Sleeping Children                                                          

The 12 Steps of Checking on Your Sleeping Children

    
Step 1

Loiter outside bedroom door, suddenly aware of how loudly you breathe. Decide to go in.

Step 2

Immediately regret decision when you remember how creaky the floorboards are.

Step 3

Creep ninja-like across bedroom to child's bed, trying to avoid creaking floorboards.

Step 4

Look at child in bed.

Step 5

Realise you can't tell if child is breathing or not. Poke child to check.

Step 6

Hold breath as child suddenly, but not unexpectedly thanks to the poking, stirs.

Step 7

Wince as you watch child re-settle. Release breath.

Step 8

Begin to creep back out of the room, moving in a way which suggests there are laser beams across the room like a strange sort of parent Crystal Maze. Those floorboards again.

Step 9

Freeze as child makes noise. You're probably doing unintentional yoga at this point.

Step 10

Sigh with relief as you realise child is still asleep. Continue ninja-laser walk across bedroom until you reach the door.

Step 11

Sigh with relief. Again.

Step 12

Pour wine.







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